J. J. Abrams on the set of Star Trek: XI

New York Magazine's Vulture blog has exclusively and brethlessly confirmed what everyone in the Milkey Way galaxy already knew for a fact what was going to happen: J. J. Abrams has signed up to direct Star Trek 12: Unprecedented Suck:

Part of the hold-up has been that Alex Kurtzman, who wrote Abrams' first Trek with Roberto "Bob" Orci, has been busy editing and posting Welcome to People, his directing debut at DreamWorks Pictures. We're told that now that Kurtzman is finished with those duties, he is back in his office and the team is ready to work.

I know I can't be the only person in the world who thought that Arbram's version wasn't just insultingly bad Star Trek, but just a plainly bad movie. If was one giant cliche of militaristic d*** waving with no character development and worn out time travel story lines.

A jilted enemy from the future comes back to the past to get revenge? A perennial screwup with a bad attitude goes from academy rookie to captain of the flagship in the space of two hours? Seriously? Without Abrams' name on it, that story wouldn't get published for free in a sci-fi magazine with a circulation in the low hundreds.

And don't even get me started on the sets, where the Enterprise engine room looks like the inside of an old deep-sea oil rig and a shuttle craft has butcher shop meat locker plastic flaps behind the cockpit instead of a wall.

I'd posit that Star Trek 11 made money precise because it had nothing to do with Star Trek, which did what Paramount always wanted: it brought in a mainstream audience that pumps hundreds of millions into their coffers for absolute crap like Transformers. I just wish they had raped someone else's fond memories instead of mine.